True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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