My liver just broke up with me...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
