Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
