I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
