my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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