your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
