It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
