On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
