God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
