and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
