It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
