U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
This baby is an asshole
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
