I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i can't believe i had my finger in that
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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