I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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