my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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