We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
