it hurts more in the daytime
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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