just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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