i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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