I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I fill condoms, not promises.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
