In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
