Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
