I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
