Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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