Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
