Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
