Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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