He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There r osticjed everywhere
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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