3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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