it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
