and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
