I think i sorta joined a cult last night
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
