I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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