I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
