Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
