It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
