This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
