ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
