you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
