I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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