I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
