The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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