Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
