Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
