i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
