if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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