All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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