sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
