Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
