Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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